moved to ericalizzle.blogspot.com

when it comes to you, i have stopped trying to look for answers. maybe it was the truth. or maybe it was the truth at the time. maybe it was all a lie. but i will never have the answer even though that is what i want the most. now is not the time to allow myself to get entangled in all these useless emotional ties. none of it means anything now, and even though i wish i could demand respect, i shouldn't expect to get it, especially from you. i truly believe that we are who we date, and we need to be with someone on our level.. i am by no means insulting you or putting you down, but we are simply on extremely different levels. i can hate you for putting me through what you did, but that would be counterproductive. i can cry and cry, but for what? i am free. i lose sight of all the positive things that have and will continue to come from this ending. and i hardly think that this is the end for me.. yeah you won the race to move on first.. but what does that really mean? i dont lose anything because there is no longer any relation between your affairs and mine. yeah i deserved to be treated a lot better, but you are not to blame completely for i allowed your disrespect and neglect and i constantly made excuses even when i knew you were so wrong for me. i hope you the best. i hope that she is the real thing, because you deserve to experience that. i hope that you take whatever you learned from your mistakes with me and apply those changes in your relationship with her because every woman deserves to be a princess and sometimes you have to take one for the team so another woman can be treated right. i just hope that someone out there thinks the way that i am.

i feel so guilty even giving you any space in my thoughts and emotions considering what happened this past week. there was that intense reminder that mortality is real. i have never felt as much guilt and cowardice as i did with my grandma. i was so afraid of feeling hurt and addressing reality. the hard and cold fact that life can become painful to live and that it might be easier to die.. that cuts me so deeply, especially because it was my grandma who was in that position. i wish that i could have seen her at least one more time. my cousin said that it would have hurt to see her in so much pain but i would have so easily found the courage. i hope she knows that i tried as hard as i could to see her. i am at a complete loss of words at this point because all i can do is cry for her. for myself. for my father, brother. uncles, aunties, cousins - for we have all lost an extraordinary woman.

this week has been extremely emotional for me as i realize that i dont have my priorities in order. those idiotic heartbreaks are nothing compared to losing a loved one and reevaluating what i'm not doing right in my life. i have been a coward. but no longer. and i have not been the purest at heart and intentions. i need to change, it is time~

I was wrong. I was wrong for thinking I could heal the way that I
have. That I'm okay to go out and play with people just like you as if
it's not going to affect me'
.
How can it hurt so much to be separated from someone who hurt me so
much? I read somewhere that the abused woman forms an intense bond
with her abuser -- the trauma of the abuse somehow attaches her to
him. Is this the same? Last night i realized how much I missed the
touch feel smell of your skin. The attraction is chemical to some
degree. Blame the hormones. The logical reasoning is all there but
that chemical bond is intense and I know that it will take much more
work to rebound.

Today was one of many relapses to come. But one day I will not walk
around fearful n paranoid, even though in the back my mind Im hoping
to maybe see your face. I know it's wrong but in the case of love and
relationships.. Emotions are just how they are. We can't change them.
I miss you still. I'm sure you know this.

Nothing is more disappointing than having one of your close friends be
unsupportive of you. No one is perfect and no one makes the best
decisions every single time but one of the tests of friendship is to
stick by your friends when you suspect/know that they are making a
mistake and in the midst of their downfall you stand by them
regardless of their weakness. I don't understand the "I told you so"
attitude because the short of it is .. Friends should cheer one
another on and pick each other up. Real talk.

You can close your eyes to the things you don't wanna see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you don't wanna feel.

After talking to other girls about their travails in relationships, I
realized that I have come out fairly unscathed.
Compared to a 6 year relationship ending in betrayal or a boyfriend
turned stalker... I have been lucky.
I'm also lucky to have gotten out of this horrible trap before i was
damaged or weakened any further. Despite the unhappiness that results
from a breakup, I should also be thankful that I am free from the
strain and stress. I'm regaining control of my own life -- that is a
gift in itself and the best way to take most advantage of it is to
improve myself.
Forget where he is and where he is (not) going in life and instead
think about myself and all the goals I have set out for myself to
accomplish. Think about having fun, being healthy, and reaching far.
Think about your level vs his level... Definitely NOT on par. If
someone else has gone through so much more drama than I have... And
have healed and learned from it... Then I can sure as hell move on
from my mistakes. Bigger things are in store for me.. I know it.

I miss you - or better yet, the "you" you used to be.

I found myself sitting around at home with that all familiar pang in
my heart.

I miss you.

You moved on. You got s
Tattoo. You got hickies and most of all you changed.

And that's what makes me miss you most of all.

I lived in denial for months about the person you had become.

I fell in love with you but I was so sure that you didn't love me back
so I never told you. I fell in love with the part of you that you had
Long buried away and instead replaced with a figure of bravado and
show. I remmeber the "you" who had a natural gift to make me laugh for
hours on end and who had no problem keeping me up til the wee hours
with conversation

The real pain from this relationship is having to say goodbye to that
person -the one who I had loved dearly and watched on painfully as he
was hidden behind your new personality and eventually killed off. I
hoped for so long that he would come back but as each conversation
with you became increasingly foreign and uncomfortable.. I knew it was
over. The person I loved was buried forver and i never had the chance
to live in love with him.

To this day you will never realize how much you have changed in my
eyes. I am still mourning his disappearance because of all the wasted
potential.. I will never forgot how my heart felt at its highest
moment and neither will I forget it at its lowest. All I can do is
say goodbye and perhaps we'll be okay again someday. I will always miss the
"you" you used to be. I have been grieving that loss for months. The
best I can do now is wish you luck as the new you ~