when it comes to you, i have stopped trying to look for answers. maybe it was the truth. or maybe it was the truth at the time. maybe it was all a lie. but i will never have the answer even though that is what i want the most. now is not the time to allow myself to get entangled in all these useless emotional ties. none of it means anything now, and even though i wish i could demand respect, i shouldn't expect to get it, especially from you. i truly believe that we are who we date, and we need to be with someone on our level.. i am by no means insulting you or putting you down, but we are simply on extremely different levels. i can hate you for putting me through what you did, but that would be counterproductive. i can cry and cry, but for what? i am free. i lose sight of all the positive things that have and will continue to come from this ending. and i hardly think that this is the end for me.. yeah you won the race to move on first.. but what does that really mean? i dont lose anything because there is no longer any relation between your affairs and mine. yeah i deserved to be treated a lot better, but you are not to blame completely for i allowed your disrespect and neglect and i constantly made excuses even when i knew you were so wrong for me. i hope you the best. i hope that she is the real thing, because you deserve to experience that. i hope that you take whatever you learned from your mistakes with me and apply those changes in your relationship with her because every woman deserves to be a princess and sometimes you have to take one for the team so another woman can be treated right. i just hope that someone out there thinks the way that i am.

i feel so guilty even giving you any space in my thoughts and emotions considering what happened this past week. there was that intense reminder that mortality is real. i have never felt as much guilt and cowardice as i did with my grandma. i was so afraid of feeling hurt and addressing reality. the hard and cold fact that life can become painful to live and that it might be easier to die.. that cuts me so deeply, especially because it was my grandma who was in that position. i wish that i could have seen her at least one more time. my cousin said that it would have hurt to see her in so much pain but i would have so easily found the courage. i hope she knows that i tried as hard as i could to see her. i am at a complete loss of words at this point because all i can do is cry for her. for myself. for my father, brother. uncles, aunties, cousins - for we have all lost an extraordinary woman.

this week has been extremely emotional for me as i realize that i dont have my priorities in order. those idiotic heartbreaks are nothing compared to losing a loved one and reevaluating what i'm not doing right in my life. i have been a coward. but no longer. and i have not been the purest at heart and intentions. i need to change, it is time~