sometimes admitting defeat is a bigger blow to the ego than the defeat itself. after so much contemplation and tears and heartache, i should have learned to listen to myself. i should have taken all the uncertainty as a sign to end things; yet, i held on... because one look at his face and i knew how hard it would be to lose him. i never used to believe in being friends with an ex, but coming out of this relationship, that is the only way that i can see us continuing. i dont want to cut him out of my life - nor could i imagine it. but to be together - it wasn't right. it was so hard to force romance because it didn't belong there. i guess when you're so comfortable, you want to settle in, but perhaps it's not completely reasonable.

i haven't clearly explained to my friends why it ended, and to be honest, i don't really know how. but in my heart, i feel that it is right. and my mind is finally at peace - no more worrying, no more frustrated deliberation, and no more waiting late at night. i may not be completely happy at the moment - still mourning what i lost. no more cuddles, kisses, sushi dates - but those were just the motions of a relationship. deep down, we knew emotionally we were out of sync. i wasn't happy anymore. i didn't feel how i used to, and neither did he. but how could you admit that to someone you care so much about? i feel like we've come full circle. we started as friends, turned into a couple, and now gradually the puppy love wore away and we really were just friends who were too afraid to leave a comfortable relationship and maybe lose each other forever. realistically, maybe we can't dive right into friendship and act like we weren't in a committed relationship for almost a year, but i know that eventually our friendship will probably bring me more happiness than our relationship ever did. i know i will be happier this way. i havent learned to be "by myself" in a long time, and perhaps it is time to really find out what i need. there are no bitter feelings - no regret, maybe some pain. but that's normal. surprisingly i am grateful. grateful for a mature and calm ending to what was a great relationship. grateful for many wonderful memories, and grateful that he was not selfish and tried his hardest to make it work - just as i did. it's hard to pretend like i don't feel a void -- and i'm not going to. he was a giant part of my life, and i know that his presence in my life will never be as strong as it used to be. but i'm glad we got out before it got worse.

dont worry though - you'll always be in my heart. i hope that i'll still be in yours.