coming home is always interesting. there's a strange re-adjusting period because i'm not used to being around family. my immediate family is amazing, but it's my extended family that makes me feel so weighed down. i automatically feel less free when i'm at home - literally, because i dont have a car & i'm not really living near any of my friends. and figuratively, because i'm hearing my aunties talk about how they have so these expectations and "suggestions" for how i should play out my future.
i know i'm supposed to live my life how i want, but when they tell me this is what my career, husband, family should be like in 10 or 20 years - and with my mom nodding her head in agreement with them, i can't help but think that the decisions that i'm probably going to make will disappoint them. family is so important to me. what they think, want, say - i take it all into consideration because i do respect them a lot but sometimes i just wonder - why do i have to be this certain kind of doctor? why do i have to be with this certain kind (*race*) of guy? it is infuriating and frustrating because i feel like there are a few really close-minded people in my family and as much as i could try to explain myself to them, i feel it would be a waste of my time because i don't think that i need to defend any of my actions in the first place - and ultimately, they would never understand and talk smack anyway.
this is why i keep a lot of things from my family. Regardless of how important or eager i am to share my life with them, i suspect that they will never accept the truth of my reality and instead constantly judge the fact that i'm not doing it their way - instead of reveling in my decisions along with me. and really, that's just all unnecessary DRAMA. they do believe that i have a good head on my shoulders but it's because they think i want all the same things for myself that they want for me... and that really isn't true. i wish i could be a lot more candid about who i really am in front of them but i feel like i'm in such a liberal place in my life now that they won't be able to fully trust my perspective and may instead attribute it to some kind of angsty rebel phase. i feel like it would just be invasive to let too much of my personal life leak out... i really don't want them to sound that difficult. and for people who has had family who is supportive/apathetic, it may be hard to understand. it is just ridiculous. sometimes i'd rather they be more "whatevs" than so involved.. i wish i could not care what they think but bottom line, they are family and they super matter and last thing i want to do is disappoint them, but i feel like i'm not the one that's going to meet their standards. i'm just different - perhaps my brother can fill that spot.
i grew up in SF and my family is here, and i wish i could say that i want to come back to the bay after undergad/grad school for work/school. but the more i think about it, the more i realize i don't. after talking to janice today, im thinking that perhaps SF is not a perfect match for me. i never expected that i would love LA as much as i have grown to love it, or experience this level of freedom and independence and clarity. i definitely want to take advantage of my time left here, since i'm probably going to have to leave it come time for grad school.
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